When Words Fail, Music Speaks

Music helps process a part of you that can't be processed any other way. Sometimes the lyrics to a song can help tell your story by reading through them and writing out what comes to mind. My whole life story can be told through different songs. Sometimes the hardest and more shameful parts of our lives are easier told when relating them to song lyrics. Today, you will learn more about me. I am not perfect, nor have I or will ever claim to be. I have, in some way, broken commandments of God...all of them. I live with that shame and guilt every day. The devil feeds on that, but telling the story can help relate and let people know they are not lone and it isn't the end, but the beginning.

I recently listened to a song called "God Only Knows." Many have written to the artists about what this song means to them. I thought I might break down the lyrics and talk about my life story and how this song speaks to me. Maybe my story with resonate with you? Maybe you have a story that you are now willing to share. Feel free to comment below.

Wide awake while the world is sound asleep and

Too afraid of what might show up while you’re dreamin

’Nobody, nobody, nobody sees you

Nobody, nobody will believe you

Everyday you try to pick up all the pieces

All the memories they somehow never leave ya

Nobody, nobody, nobody sees you

Nobody, nobody will believe you

When I was 26 I went through a life-changing surgery which I have talked about before. Within a couple weeks of the surgery, I started getting very intense dreams. The dreams became so real and so disturbing that I developed insomnia. My body got so stressed out from the dreams that I had it decided it didn't want to sleep. I went months running on a couple hours asleep at night, which didn't help the depression and other mental health issues I was dealing with. My then friends and significant other didn't quite believe what I was telling them when they asked why I looked so rough. When I did sleep, I encountered what my therapist referred to as stress dreams. I would have such realistic dreams involving people I know and situations that could actually happen, my body would start to operate in my sleep to match what I was dreaming about. If I had a dream where I was running away from a situation, my legs would tense up to the point that when I woke, it felt like I ran miles in my sleep. My legs were sore and fatigued. But, of course to the outside, people thought I was overreacting. Nobody could really see me and no one really believed me.

You keep a cover over every single secret

So afraid if someone saw them, they would leave

But somebody, somebody, somebody sees you

Somebody, somebody will never leave you

I became so used to verbal, mental and emotional abuse that my inner self was tired. I was tired of being me. I was tired of being a creature walking this earth. When I looked in the mirror I didn't see the woman I once was, I saw an alien. I saw a broken vessel of a person that didn't know her own identity. I felt like a piece of dirt, I was the lowest of low. I felt unlovable, unattractive, worthless and something even the devil didn't want to mess with. Unfortunately for me, the Devil was glad I was at this point. The devil showed up strong and ready to pounce. I heard things from folks I loved like family like: "You thrive on having problems." "You're a hypochondriac." "You are nothing more than convenient. "You will never be more important than this person." "I am angry you made the choice for surgery, what about my feelings?" "Therapy clearly isn't working."

Because of everything I went through, I started to think that I wasn't even good in God's eyes. If I wasn't good in God's eyes, then why keep trying to live by certain morals, it is meaningless. I loved God...I didn't think God loved me anymore. I felt like nothing. Even at home with my significant other, I was nothing. I needed to be loved. I needed to be embraced. I needed to be encouraged. I needed to be heard. I needed to feel. I was so numb, I was nothing. I made a choice that haunts me to this day. Mind you, this was before I was a licensed or ordained personnel, but I was in seminary. I had an affair. I have rarely talked about it, obviously, due to judgement. Others think they have a right to hear something like that without knowing the whole story. To many, they will read this and think I just wanted to hurt someone because I was hurting. It wasn't true. I went looking for something I needed for survival. I was inching more and more towards the edge. I held on to this secret for so long, trying to process it in therapy.

My secret got out. Instead of coming to me, the person who found out went to a pastor friend of mine. Again, instead of coming to me, that person went to another clergy. In stead of both of them talking to me, they went to the Bishop. I was pulled from my duty as a youth pastor while I was in school until the matter could be "investigated." There was no need for that. I "plead guilty." I have always owned my choices, right or wrong. I wasn't so upset that my shame I held onto was out. I was devasted that clergy I trusted had no issue throwing me to the wolves in order to look more powerful. Because I was not licensed or ordained and I was willing to not only own it, but had proof I was in therapy, I was allowed to go back to my job. I left the church about a year later when all the distrust came to a breaking point that I wanted nothing to do with the church, yet I stayed in Seminary. I knew that I was meant to do something for God, I just didn't know what that meant anymore.

For the lonely

For the ashamed

The misunderstood and the ones to blame

What if we can start over, we could start over, we could start over

No matter what choices you make in this life, it is never too late to start fresh. God sent his son to the earth to walk among us and to teach us. Jesus inevitably died on the cross for the sins of the world. Each day that I have air in my lungs and beating heart I get the chance to start over. I get the chance to do better and be better every day. I walk around wondering who might find out about my past, who might think I have no business being in the church or being a leader. There isn't a perfect person out there. The only person to walk this planet was killed for doing nothing wrong.

God only knows where to find you

God only knows how to break through

God only know the real you

There’s a kind of love that God only knows

You can walk around in life afraid of what people might find out about you, or you can own your past and use it to connect to others and help them know they are still worthy of love. My God is an awesome God and he loves me even with my past. The Bible is full of imperfect people that God used. Paul once persecuted Christians, putting them in prison. God used him to start the church as we know it today. King David had many wives, but slept with a woman already married to another man, got her pregnant, then killed the man to cover it up. He suffered his consequences, God's love never disappeared. I can't go back and change what I did. I can't go around always carrying a guilt either. When I do, I am letting the Devil beat me and that just can't happen. I am worthy to be a child of God, no matter my faults. I just have to work harder everyday to do better and be better. That is the point of life. Live the way God Loves.