When Words Fail, Music Speaks: pt 2

Hello My Name Is: Matthew West

I have talked and written before about the importance of music and how much it impacts our mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical health. When our words fail to come out, when we find ourselves paralyzed by a situation, music is a way to communicate. Music gives us the opportunity to talk about difficult things that we hold inside, parts of who we are that we keep secret because we can’t trust the world around us to understand or accept. Sometimes music can help us identify and describe who we are. Today’s song I will dissect does just that.

Hello, My Name Is is a song performed by a Christ-following artist. This was released as the second single from Into The Light, a follow-up to The Story Of Your Life, where Matthew West asked fans for their stories to seek inspiration for his songs. The singer-songwriter received thousands of responses, so he decided on to continue bringing more true tales into the light in the form of songs. This tune gives a voice to a guy named Jordan dealing with drug addiction. "What a powerful example of God at work in someone's story," West concluded. "I read Jordan's story and couldn't help but wonder how many people in the world are walking around defined by the defeat and the regret of past mistakes, believing the lie that they will never be able to kick an old habit or move on from yesterday's mistakes. Jordan's story is powerful proof that we are not defined by our past. God can restore, redeem, and renew our hearts and lives. He can set our feet on a new path that will lead our lives to a destination far greater than where we used to call home."

Hello, my name is regret

I'm pretty sure we have met

Every single day of your life

I'm the whisper inside

That won't let you forget

Regret, that whisper that constantly shows itself, feels like torture. Dr. Greenberg writes, “Regret is a negative cognitive or emotional state that involves blaming ourselves for a bad outcome, feeling a sense of loss or sorrow at what might have been, or wishing we could undo a previous choice that we made.” For many out there, myself included, we carry around regrets from life. We make poor choices, we act in a way we later feel terrible for, we disappoint others including ourselves. Regret is such a powerful emotion that tends to stay with us. Why is that? Why do we allow Satan, the lover of regret, to have such power over us? Satan uses Regret and many other emotions to weaken us from our faith and from our self-esteem. Satan knows that by using regret, he can manipulate us to think we are not worthy of something bigger and better. In the last music post, I talked about a piece of my life that showed how regret can plague a person. Regret stayed with me for so long and only made my battle with mental health so much worse. Depression turned into a thought about life, and was life even worth it.

Hello, my name is defeat

I know you recognize me

Just when you think you can win

I'll drag you right back down again

Till you've lost all belief

When I would make strides in dealing with my regret, and trust me when I say my therapist was to be thanked for a lot of that help, Satan would show himself in another way. Satan showed up as Defeat. Just when I thought I had surrounded myself with the right people that encouraged, supported, comforted, educated me in ways to deal with the demons I held onto, Satan enjoyed messing with the plan…and I let him do it. I remember leaving therapy sessions breathing better, feeling lighter. Within an hour or two, I was creeping back to where I was. I was seeing darkness, I was seeing defeat all around me. I would go home and feel empty. I would go to the lake side and sit on the dock and feel alone, even knowing God was with me. I would go to games, as I was heavily involved in adult competitive sports, and feel drained of my competitive edge. I never felt okay. The only time I felt safe was when I was with specific people. What hurt me the most, and really turned into a life lesson, was some of the people I felt safe with were the same people that later threw me to the wolves. I lost all belief in myself. I felt like nothing in my life mattered, from work, my marriage, Grad School, youth group, speaking engagements, etc. Nothing mattered.

A former friend introduced me to the high bridge in Eau Claire. This bridge was literally high over the river. There was a night I needed to breathe and I felt trapped. It had been a long several months of torture and torment. I remember leaving my apartment, I think on a night that my then husband was out of town, and I walked to the high bridge. The bridge was about a mil walk or so. It was dark, not the smartest thing to do in Eau Claire, or anywhere really, to walk alone. I walked to the middle of the bridge, the sides of the bridge came up to my shoulders, so I just leaned against the bridge. I heard the sound of the water from the dam behind me. As I stood there in the chilly evening breeze, I looked up at the stars. I remember asking myself, was it worth it, was life worth this? God had to have created me for something better than this life I was living. I was a very strong and physically fit gal at this time. It would be nothing to jump over this rail. But something came over me, something that kept me from doing that. I stood a little while longer before I walked home.

Oh, these are the voices, oh these are the lies

And I have believed them, for the very last time

I had my bible study with Mama Gayle, and told her about my experience. Of course, she was concerned. She also heard and saw what I was living with and going through. She reminded me that everything I was dealing with had a negative and evil energy behind it. It came down to me letting this energy consume me and me doing nothing to fight it. I was so determined that I would defeat it on my own. I didn’t need medication, I didn’t need outside help. She told me that although I like to handle things on my own, it is okay to let others in and to get help. Not everything in this world and in this life can be defeated alone. My therapist also agreed that medication was okay, there was nothing wrong with it. It didn’t make me weak, it made me wise: wise to know that I needed help to battle something I had lost control over.

I am no longer defined

By all the wreckage behind

The One who makes all things new

Has proven it's true

Just take a look at my life

What love the Father Has lavished upon us

That we should be called His children

I am a child of the One true King

Through the grace of God, his unending and unwavering love, I had processed and healed many aspects of my life. Many will think that because I use my past and write about it that I had not “let it go.” I don’t believe in that phrase, a phrase I once uttered to others. Here is the misconception about the phrase, “Let it go,” There is a lot of guilt and self blame that goes along with the idea that we are unsuccessful in letting go of those things that bind us. I have noticed errors with this phrase because it preaches a belief that each person will one day be able to let go of pain, painful memories, trauma as if our entire being is nothing more than a dry-erase board and we can wipe it clean. If we choose to not wipe it clean we are made to feel guilty for not doing so. Sadly, this let-it-go message gets preached from many pulpits across the country and people live with the burden that they are doing something wrong if they, at times, have to revisit the same old wounds. Emotional pain, mental trauma, spiritual scars don’t just go away, no matter what we think we are able to control. Sometimes it means sharing the most uncomfortable parts of our being with others we don’t know and have never met, we can take steps towards healing and wholeness. The Apostle Paul demonstrated this. He was a Pharisee who murdered and persecuted the followers of the Jesus Movement in Judaism. He went by the name Saul and was once a broken and bitter person. During his conversion, he changed his name to Paul, and spent his life ministry sharing his story with others as a way to demonstrate how God can work in us when we actually surrender to His Will.

Hello, my name is child of the One true King

I've been saved, I've been changed, I have been set free

Amazing grace is the song I sing

Hello, my name is child of the one true King

Because of God, I have been saved and I have been changed. It is through Him that I find my purpose, I find my safety net. As I worked through my depression and managed to get control over it, I did something I needed to do to heal. I have two tattoos, one on each forearm.

The one on my left is a Holy Spirit Dove and prayer hands releasing it. This served as a reminder that through prayer and God’s guidance, I can allow Him to work through me to release my burdens and to process and move forward.

On my right arm I have the word “Faith.” The “i” is a semi-colon. This became the symbol for Suicide awareness and prevention. It is the understanding that my story didn’t end there. The “t” is a cross. The entire tattoo shows that my story didn’t end with darkness, my faith is what carried me through and moves me forward each day.

I am a child of the One True King. Are you?