Having the Life you Want

“Every person has the life they want.” This quote was adapted from a movie where the actual quote is, “Every woman has the life she wants.” I just made it more universally relatable. At first, I had an issue with this quote. I thought about times in my life where this made me angry. Internal thoughts included: “I wanted to get divorced?” “I wanted to not be able to have children and spend months and years mourning that and being miserable?” “I wanted to be angry at the world and at the universal church for the hypocrisy I faced from a group of ordained ministers?” I was so angry by this quote thinking that in any stage of life, I had the life I wanted. I could not wrap my head around the thought that the dreadful things I was facing in life was what I wanted.

Over time, I realized what the quote means: whatever circumstance my life faces, I made the choice or choices to make it that way. I had to remember that I was the source of my unhappiness as well as my happiness. When terrible things would happen in my life, some because of my choices and some not, it was easy to fall into the pattern of playing the victim card. I would wallow in the hardships instead of working to get out of them. As I would submit to others’ opinions or thoughts of how I got somewhere or how I should respond, I often made my situation worse. To make matters harder, when I was processing and going to therapy for some life choices I made, there were a group of ordained ministers that truly caused me mental and spiritual harm and made me think the only safe thing for me to do was to leave the church entirely. I became what is commonly called “a none.”

“Religious disaffiliation is at an all-time high—claimed by nearly a quarter of the population—when measured through surveys on religious belonging.” (Ryan Burge) Nones have different definitions depending on the group of nones one belongs to. The group of nones I identified with were the people that once were dedicated churchgoers but due to situations and damage from church, they have kept their faith but have other ways of demonstrating and practicing it. Church nones are often labeled by those in the church as “not real Christians” because they do not come to church and the do not fellowship the way others “think” they should. Can we point out how damaging this is towards others that may not be like you! Can we also point out that this is not the thought or practice Jesus taught us to have!

From 2017-2019 I hated who I was. I was a person that was extremely angry. I was so emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually reckless with my life. I blamed God and I blamed others. Things during that two-year period continued to feel like a downward spiral. It took a while to realize I was choosing to damage myself. I did not choose to have damage done to me by others, but I chose to react the way I reacted and continue to hold that heartache and wallow in it. I did not choose for my body to not be able to carry children, but I did choose to not grieve that properly or be able to heal and move forward. I did choose to get divorced; I also chose how I would respond to it. “People are rewarded for being victims and losing at life, being pushed around by their circumstances rather than grabbing life by the horns and making their own choices about how they want to live.”(Josefina) There is this common thought that as a person I may not feel valued if I act on my freewill instead of walking the validated path of others. The life we live comes with the feeling of guilt when something does not go as planned. Yes, anger and sadness are a primary emotion that goes with the territory. Guilt is that piece of you that knows you made a bad choice. Guilt is that piece of each one of us that looks to the past and focuses on our actions that cannot be undone. There comes a time where the reality is right in front of us; the reality that the future is in front of us ready for us to charge at it. It is up to each person to decide what can be created based on the tools they have and the insight from the past decisions that have been made.

In my studies and my research, I came across a reminder from Proverbs 13:12. “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” We need to remember to challenge our choices, our thought processes, and our actions. Hope is what sustains each one of us. When hope is nowhere to be found, it causes the heart to feel sick. When the desire of hope is finally fulfilled, it provides a prolonged life. Rev. David Guzik writes, “This principle reminds us that though hope’s delayed fulfillment may even make the heart sick, it is worth it to endure the sense of sickness for the goodness of the fulfillment when it comes.”

What life will you choose for yourself?